#istandwithamber

*TW: abuse
I'm sure many of you have gotten wind of the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp ordeal that arose a couple days ago; their recent news of divorce has evolved into a case of domestic violence, with Heard securing a restraining order against him. Her court filing states that he constantly subjected her to physical and verbal abuse, the latest incident being him smashing his phone against her face, and it was accompanied by a photograph of her bruised cheek.  The social media response to these revelations was overwhelming, with people taking sides and putting in their two cents -- some are skeptical, thinking Heard is faking the abuse for money, and others have quite the opposite opinion, starting the hashtag #istandwithamber that trended on Twitter.  I, for one, do stand with Amber, and I think that a lot of people's justifications for not doing so are pretty problematic or invalidating. 

One tweet I've seen multiple times in some form or another is "I heard Amber has a video of the abuse, why doesn't she release it?  Then we can all know for sure; since she's not showing us she's probably lying."  Okay, sure, because it is totally reasonable for the world to ask every domestic violence survivors to release their private, most vulnerable moments to the public. This unfortunate mentality isn't isolated to this one case -- people so often are reluctant to believe allegations of rape or abuse unless they receive all of the gory personal details.  Considering this, it's no wonder survivors so frequently don't report their abuse till years later, or don't come forward at all -- they have no desire to retell their distressing for the nosy, hungry public to consume, or to let everyone see them in such a humiliated state.  That's likely to be re-traumatizing, and the fact that people think they have a right to this information/evidence is ridiculous.

Another justification I've seen is "Johnny Depp is such a good man, he would never do such a thing!"  Many of his celebrity acquaintances have been defending him this way, and I even saw a news article with the headline, "Johnny Depp at a Charity Event while Heard Files for Restraining Order" -- clearly an attempt to paint him as this pure, virtuous person incapable of something like domestic violence.  This has happened with Bill Cosby, Sean Penn, Carter Reynolds, and countless others. The problem with this argument is that humans are not monolithic things, we're full of multiplicities and layers and we can change and snap and hide parts of ourselves from some people but reveal them to others.  If people are put in a binary of either "good" or "capable of violence" how does it account for the fact that abusers often are ones closest to the survivor, or can be priests or teachers or our favorite TV personalities? Failing to acknowledge human complexity results in victim blaming, because we can't accept that the abuser isn't what we imagined them as -- in the case of Heard, she must have been making it up/done something to justifiably provoke Johnny Depp, because he is amazing!! 

Lastly, people have been posting pictures of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp together and saying, "Abuse victims don't look at their abuser like that!! Look how happy she is!!"  Again, with the human multiplicity thing -- we can have mixed emotions and can love someone yet feel all the resentment and hatred in the world toward them, too.  The two aren't mutually exclusive, and a big reason why people stay in abusive relationships for so long is because they love their abuser/want to believe that they will change. Additionally, faking happiness and putting on a façade of smiles for the public is a condition that definitely exists.  And, to those saying "OMG she was smiling after meeting with her lawyers!! Obviously she just wants Johnny Depp's money!" -- survivors of violence are not obligated to be constantly miserable to prove that the abuse actually happened, and they're allowed moments of joy.  Maybe Heard was happy because she was finally free of her abuser?? There's an idea! Understanding all of this, again, is key to prevent victim-blaming or invalidating someone's experiences. 

xoxo, elyse